Sunday, May 5, 2013

Mind Vomit: Dating

It's about 10:40 at night right now, there are things I still need to do but I can't help but think about dating and such. If this post sounds like pointless ramblings it's probably because it is. I'm trying an experiment here: See if I can better understand my thoughts and feelings by putting them into words. This post will probably be more personal than others, but who cares? Hardly anyone reads this blog.

Today in Church (A singles ward) the high school graduates were invited to come as they were now of age to be in the ward. In sacrament meeting I realized that these graduating high school girls are ten years younger than me. I can't picture myself going on a date with someone that much younger. In addition to this, it seems like half the women in the ward are going on missions. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to see so many women serve missions, it's just that all of this...makes me feel that I have fewer chances of finding a future wife. An hour ago I found and read a bit on a blog about an anxious white virgin, which has not helped me find answers but more frustration of my situation.

But what does it matter, anyways? It's not like I go on dates. In my entire life I have gone on a total of two dates: The first because my brother twisted my arm, and the second because it was a ward activity where the who and where was all planned out.

For the past week or so, though, I've had the desire to go on a date (This itself is rare). Like, just going out with someone and grabbing ice cream or going somewhere fun. But that leads me to my next question, the one I have not been able to answer for the past 6 years: How does a loner get a date?

I thought it was kinda cool when I discovered a while back that there's a Wikipedia article that describes me very well. I am very much a loner. I rarely ever hang out with people. While I may have several "Facebook friends," none of them are people I would just call up and talk to, minus family. I have no problem spending my weekends alone. In fact there are times I just want to say "[Inappropriate word here] you, world! I don't need you!" I don't do well in groups of people (Which, unfortunately, are what all ward activities are); I usually end up wandering around  like a lost child.

This does not, however, mean that I'm not lonely. When I went to Arizona I got my own apartment, because I thought I would love being alone in my own place. Turned out I was wrong. My Mom and siblings helped me move in, and as soon as they left, I found myself in horrible, painful loneliness. Thankfully I have since left that dark time and now live with my Grandpa and Aunt. I rarely actually talk to them, but the fact that there are people in the house I can go to if needed is comforting.

While I am unable to socialize in a large group, I am however capable of having a pleasant conversation with someone one-on-one, in the rare occasions that they occur. I do enjoy them, but I have difficulty making them happen. And while I am by no means a social butterfly (Like my brother Jared, who I admit I'm jealous of), I love to talk to family, and I think I would love to have my own.

So I come back to my previous question: How does a loner get a date? Before my mission I spent my time avoiding social interactions at all cost. Now I have to, through  my own volition, start conversations with people. And somehow I have to ask a person on a date. But how? So far the only advice I've been given is "Just keep practicing." I'VE BEEN "PRACTICING" FOR SIX YEARS AND I AM NO CLOSER THAN WHEN I STARTED!!! HOW MUCH "PRACTICE" DO I NEED?!?!

Sorry about that, I'm just...frustrated. Maybe these social skills come naturally for some people. So natural, in fact, that they are unable to describe how they do it. I mean, ask someone on a date? Who? When? How? I don't know if I look socially awkward, but I definitely feel like I am! There was one time I actually had a golden opportunity to ask someone on a date, and I ended up spending something like half an hour freaking out over it before I actually made the call (She said no, by the way).

I feel like David and my Goliath is dating. I've been given a sling and a stone (The means to date), but I have no idea how to use it, and fear I'll just end up hitting myself with it if I tried.

I want to go on dates, I want to have a wife, I just...don't know what to do about it. It's been six years since I've started trying to obtain these lofty goals, and I'm no closer to obtaining them than when I started. The only thing I've got is to keep hoping in my Heavenly Father.

Experiment result: This has helped clear my mind a bit, but it has not helped my feelings of frustration.